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I want the attention she has.  I want the love she has.  I want to be like her.  I want to be funny.  I want to have lots of friends.  I want people to smile at me.  I want to have hair like her.  I want to have her unassailable confidence that she is loved.  I want to be free to be angry like her.  I want to do naughty things like her.  I want to be bad like her.  I want to be mean and spiteful and selfish like her.  I want to be lazy like her.  I want to say “I don’t care” and “Whatever!” like her.  I want to be preferred like her.  I want to be adored like her.  I want to be loved unconditionally like her.  I want to play like her and joke around.  I want to compete like her.  I want to be aggressive like her.  I want to do what I want like her. I want to lose my temper like her.  I want to be forgiven like her.  I want to be the one who sits on your lap.  I want to be the one who you go to when she cries.  I want to be the one who shares your bed.  I want to be the one who is comforted when she is frightened.

I don’t want to be responsible all the time.  I don’t want to be boring.  I don’t want to be the one who keeps quiet.  I don’t want to be the one who is grown up and doesn’t make a fuss.  I don’t want to be the one who is expected to behave well.  I don’t want to be the one who has to turn the other cheek.  I don’t want to be nice all the time.  I don’t want to be the one who has to achieve to get praise.  I don’t want to have to look after and care for everyone else.  I don’t want to be the one who puts others first all the time.  I don’t want to be the one who tries to please all the time.  I don’t want to be the one who lives on crumbs.  I don’t want to be the one who is anxious.  I don’t want to be the one who is sensitive.  I don’t want to be the one who allows herself to be a doormat.  I don’t want to be taken for granted.  I don’t want to have to compromise. I am the one who is strong and kind and reliable and generous and principled and intelligent and fair and unprejudiced and thoughtful and dependable and gives good hugs.  Though you cannot see that.  Or perhaps you can, and I just cannot see it.

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