Home Alone
February 1, 2008 by adifferentvoice
I saw a client last week. Usual sort of thing. They had asked an old school friend to do some building work on their house and everyone had fallen out over money and the quality of the work, and the builder had issued legal proceedings against my client. My client was frightened that the bailiffs would call and take the children’s toys. Except that was only a small part of it. Towards the end of the interview (it is always near the end) my client started crying. She was so lonely. She was married, but her husband worked long hours and was working away at the moment. She had children, one of whom was disabled. But worst of all was the loneliness of being home alone. Because her child was disabled, a bus called to collect him and take him to school, so she did not even have the social contact of the school gates. She could not work because her son was often ill during the day and she needed to be free to go to school to look after him. She was lonely. I felt like crying too. Not only for her, but for myself and for all the other women I know who have felt the same and who have tried to overcome the loneliness of being home alone.
Another client, a few days ago, came for advice because her job was ending in a few months time and she was petrified that she would not be able to cope looking after her child alone at home. She was an articulate, highly educated woman, who had come to the UK to work. She had stayed at home briefly after her child was born, but the loneliness had driven her almost mad. Whilst she was at work she qualified for help from the government to pay for child care for her child. Once she gave up work, that help stopped and it would all be down to her. She could not even see how she could make job applications or attend interviews with this child in tow.
It became clear to me several years ago that many marriages run into problems when the youngest child was about three and a half - roughly the age that children normally start nursery school in the UK. Not that the problems manifest themselves then, but that is when they start. And often it is because the wife finds herself contemplating her future. A future that looks fairly bleak. A future of cleaning, cooking, washing, shopping for food, ministering to everyone, tidying up. Over and over again. The work is solitary and unrewarding. Small pleasures in a beautiful house are dashed and trashed by the other family members. Nobody, except possibly her husband, tells her that she has done her job well. For almost everyone else a job well done is a personal threat - her friends, her family, her husband’s family. She gets very very little affirmation. She is starved of attention. She knows that she is often derided for her pride in her house, but what else does she have?
Most women cope by going back to work. Often they do not need to work for financial reasons, but just to keep their sanity. Others have coffee mornings, or play tennis, or shop (not for food), or visit the beautician. Whatever it takes to keep loneliness at bay. But the sense of loneliness creeps in nonetheless. Since most women cope by returning to work, the pool of women who do not work and are around to socialize during the day (so much more difficult to go out once the children are home) is limited. In my client’s case most of her friends could readily find an economic imperative for returning to work. The necessity of funding private education provides a handy imperative for a lot of women graduates in the UK, where private education is not only about the quality of the education, but also about the social class to which you aspire.
This loneliness is what men have to deal with when they retire, or are unemployed, so beware. No wonder so many of you die as soon as you have to confront it. At least your wife is at home with you. And more of you are happy with your own company.
We spend most of our lives until we have children, or retire, surrounded by other people. This can be a good thing or a bad thing. Since I like people (most people), this is a good thing for me, however enjoyable short periods of chosen solitude are. I presume social interaction and contact with other friendly faces was a good thing for my client too.
So, let’s look at at the life of a typical woman. A graduate, but she need not be.
Aged 3-5 Nursery school every day or part of every day. Boys and girls.
Age 5-11 Primary school every day except in school holidays. Friends.
Age 11-16 More school. Hobbies. Friends.
Age 16-18 More school or work. Surrounded by friends.
Age 18-22 University or further education. Friends 24/7.
Age 22-30 Work, every day except for a few weeks holiday with friends.
Age 30-35 Kept busy by young children. Meeting other mothers.
Age 35- Home alone possibly relieved by caring for eldery relatives.
So, by the time she is 35 she has spent 6/7 of her life surrounded by other people in a mixed gender environment. This environment represents normality.
The remaining small portion of her life has been spent in a female-only zone save for male children (if any), diluted by short periods of time spent with a husband who is building a career, coming to terms with the shackles of marriage and being a father, and bored by conversations about baby food. And the future is a life of domestic drudgery unless she decides to return to work.
Finding work is relatively easy. Continuing with a career is almost impossible. Jobs that accommodate the patterns of school terms are in very short supply. As children get older it becomes increasingly difficult to leave them with other carers or in holiday camps, and their dismay at their absent or preoccupied mother becomes more vocal. Teaching sounds like a good idea, but primary school is easier. Secondary school teachers may have long holidays, but they have to spend most evenings marking. Large employers, especially government bodies not driven by profit, are more flexible than small employers and term-time working is becoming a possibility with the largest employers.
Work, however, is only a partial solution. Because it does not replace the life of domestic drudgery but only displaces it. The domestic chores still need to be done (and CANNOT BE REPLACED BY A CLEANER, BEFORE YOU SUGGEST IT). So, now she has two jobs instead of one and is increasingly stressed as a result. Her health will suffer. Bound to. Life seems very hard, though the cage may appear gilded.
None of this is her husband’s fault. It came about because she chose to become a mother. It is definitely not the children’s fault. It is just one of those things.
I gave my client some leaflets about short courses in aromatherapy, floristry, art, cooking and computers. These courses are free and run by the local council at family centres. She thought she would choose the computer course, but I suspect there is a waiting list …
You have summed it up perfectly. I feel as though you interviewed me for this post! At least your client can express her lonliness to someone. It’s not just the isolation, either, but the angst and dark thoughts that can permeate the long hours at home alone and drive many to near-madness. Thankfully there is this medium (the blogosphere) that gives many women in our position (and some men) a meeting place of sorts.
Dear Antigone, you are not alone. Speak to the woman who writes this blog, or any of the women who comment on this blog - I know we all feel/have felt the same. Any fragile peace that I have found has been hard won, believe me - and my children are quite a lot older than yours. I’d hate to appear patronising, or as if I have all the answers. I haven’t.
I don’t think there is a one-size-fits-all solution, but a personal, individual challenge to find fulfillment which fits around our family commitments. None of us find that challenge easy (understatement) - not those who work all day most days, nor those who have part-time jobs. For most of us that “fitting around” rules out a full-time job. Here in the UK larger organisations are more family friendly, with some offering term-time only working, and others offering shorter weeks, or working from home. My mother is no longer alive, but others have help from mothers (and mothers-in-law …
in the holidays. Some of us have found voluntary work, or non-executive public appointments (my personal favourite). Others operate small businesses from home. Some of us teach (I no longer do). I doubt many women (not those of us who have some extrovert qualities, anyway) find the washing machine and the hoover great company, and wonder why anybody would think they would.
Husbands often find it difficult to accept that being alone at home is depressingly lonely. I am not sure why this is - whether it is because they do not need company in the same way, because work is not all it is cracked up to be, or because they would rather not confront our loneliness because it is uncomfortable for them and makes them feel guilty and helpless (because they love us). Probably a mixture of all three.
Any more thoughts, girls?
Hi guys,
i came across some articles over this very same issue. I am really haveing a hard time dealing with this. Not only can i not work, I have to take care of my little 3 year old whilst my husband is away on the weekends, or working in his studio. He tries to do what he can, but hes a one man business that has to constantly be runing. Furhtermore, its insane to think that it won’t end there, but it doesnt. I moved to live with my husband here in Europe, and there is NO family around us. All I have are some friends, his friends, and some of my childs school friends.
If someone wants to also share their story or chat. email me.
Cheers- C
Hi Caroline,
Thanks for commenting. My husband is self-employed too and, particularly when our daughters were small, had to be working very long and unpredictable hours to establish his practice. Things haven’t changed a great deal - the work is still very demanding - but he has found he can generally work at home on Fridays (and nobody thinks the worse of him - on the contrary actually) although he stays away two nights a week, and we, as a family, have never known anything else, so, I suppose, we have become accustomed to it.
Two things - first, I understand how you feel, and secondly, there are some things you can’t change but most things you can. In the absence of family, I have come to value friends enormously (hence another rather pathetic post recently), and have discovered that there are a surprising number of women in the same position as me, including many who have left their families behind in other countries. It sounds as if you have a few who know how you feel too. Life would be intolerable without them.
I had lunch with one today who was remembering her nadir when, with a two year daughter, living outside her own country and having just moved to another town, with a very busy husband, she sat at the window counting pigeons. Because there was nothing else to do, and because she felt so lacking in confidence. She has a brilliant brain, and a PhD in chemistry, had worked as an organic chemist, is beautiful and lively, and she did eventually find her way to the same university that I found my way to (which I find amusing since we did not know each other at the time, nor when both our daughters went to the same nursery school and were photographed sitting next to each other - we met later but it must have been meant…). Both of us did a Masters part-time, and, for both of us, it was a brilliant experience that restored our faith in ourselves. Is there any chance you could find a way to further part-time studies? Are you in the UK? I had to pay a nanny to look after my children for a day and a half a week (they were at school or nursery the rest of the time I was studying, and the nanny is still a friend), my friend’s mother came over for a while to help her. It’s better to have a sane mother and for the children to be looked after by someone else some of the time, than to have a depressed mother who is trying to do everything by herself and loses herself in the process. Or, at least, that’s what I think.
My friend now has three children (so the pigeons did not put her off) and works full-time as a well-respected project manager. I’ve done a variety of things, none as well-paid or demanding as her, and I still need to adjust the balance each year as my children get older. I might have cracked it by the time they leave home, but then I’ll have another whole series of issues to deal with …
I think good female friends is the best solution. They make a very dark day seem bearable. Lean on them, tell them how you feel, and they will lean on you in return and your friendship will be much deeper as a result.
I hope I don’t sound preachy…
[P.S. I was thinking about this a bit more. I think a lot of (men and) women grow up with a message reverberating in their heads which they acquire either from their families or from the world around. The message is "Succeed or you are nothing", and "success" tends to be defined in terms of a typical male life, uninterrupted by children. Being at home with children is not valued (it is certainly undervalued by the UK government) and so, by the measure we have used to judge ourselves all our lives, we have failed. Stavros (My Greek Odyssey) is very good at reminding mothers that their job is probably the most important job anyone can do, and I am grateful to him for that. I think many of us would be a lot happier if our role as a mother was championed more and we were not treated as if, somehow, all our brains had disappeared with the placenta. We are not helped by many female role models of sharp-suited businesswomen smashing through the glass ceiling - because, rather obviously, they are not at home with their children. I have come to be rather dismissive of super-successful women who proclaim their success from the board room: being a woman does not mean pretending to be a man, and they have been often been successful only in male terms but don't help the childbearing sisterhood one bit :).]
What about the women who do work who come home to find that because they weren’t there things weren’t done, that important appointments were missed, that important documents were lost, that obvious things weren’t obvious to the man in charge until they got back? Sometimes I really fantisise about how much easier my life would be if I didn’t work , if I had all that time to organise my children , if I didn’t have to rely on my husband to mess things up. The answer is that marriage is equally stressful for women, whether they work or not and equally stressful if they are single with no man fudging the issues.
The nuclear family is not a healthy option really .Historically when people lived in communities, women supported each other and had certain roles as did the men - they weren’t lonely, children were well cared for, and the men were happy too, everyone had their role. Which in itself was a problem - the role was too rigid. Now we are all stressed out - whatever our circumstances , and resentful.
Is there a solution?
No solution (and nobody said it was easy), but talking helps … and I think we can build our own communities to our own liking and to our own shape, and that we are free to build our own ideas about the roles assigned to our gender, as long as we are brave and do not mind too much what other people think. The last bit is the hardest … unless you have Asperger’s :).
The Intrepid Explorer often reminds me of my peasant origins, but he’s right. I was meant to live in a small supportive pre-industrial community such as you describe, though I’d like there to be antibiotics please.
BTW, another pet theory (my own) is that Asperger’s emerged from the industrial revolution - as machines took over from manual labour, as systems became bigger than just a small village, as engineers rose in importance. Previously systematising brains had only been useful for philosophers, military strategists and linguists. What do you think?